This morning I got a message from my girlfriend. She was talking about how she was upset that I wasn’t giving her any attention yesterday. The problem is that yesterday we spent a lot of time together doing a variety of things that she likes.
Check out this post on the 5 Things That KILL Your Productivity
After complaining about her lack of attention, she also mentioned that she wanted me to be more affectionate to her. She suddenly became specific about the kind of love she wants to receive! That’s a genuine time saver!
See, although I invested several hours on her, there was only one thing that she genuinely considered to be ‘actual’ attention. Translation: the type of love that she wants.
Therefore, everyone should become aware of the Love Languages. Not only to offer value that the other person actually wants. But to make the most of your time investment.
People call it Love Languages, but it goes beyond our intimate relationships. These are useful tools that can be used in all types of relationships – personal and professional. Because of this, I prefer to call these languages by a different name – ways to gain favor.
I go into more detail about these tools in the post, 5 Ways To Gain Anyone’s Favor
In that post I also mention that it’s a great idea to have a circle of five good-willed people to consistently exchange value with. It’s not about control or anything Machiavellian. Instead, it’s about creating deeper bonds with people while having great give-and-take relationships.
For example, I have extensive tax knowledge and a great colleague of mine needed help with her taxes. By doing her a favor and helping her, she was able to land me a job in return. To this day, we chat over messenger, lend each other money, and exchange value however we can.
Another example is a friend who needed help writing out her business memos. For helping her out, now she regularly offers to get me food and on one occasion she took initiative and bought me a gift after seeing me browsing for shirts online.
Not to mention, after posting the 5 Ways to Gain Anyone’s Favor post, my girlfriend started bringing me food more often (I mentioned my preferred type of love). Coincidence? Who cares! It’s the type of love that I want.
Just an aside,
A tip to making the most of this circle of good-willed friends and the perks is – if you receive a gift or favor that you don’t really need or want, use it to benefit a different person in your circle.
Ex.) Person A bought you coffee, but you already had a coffee – so when you come across Person B, you gift it to them. Keep those wheels spinning.
You probably noticed how each of these acts are reciprocated as gifts, favors, and appreciation. Where is the quality listening time or the compliments? Well one thing people forget is that we tend to assume that people want the same love that we want.
I don’t care about having someone lend me an ear. And if I leant my ear to somebody, chances are that they are going to reciprocate the same love to me. But that’s not the type of love that I personally value – so I don’t go looking for that type of person.
Think about that one nice guy who listens to a girl complain in hopes of getting laid. He’s better off offering an experience if he wants an experience in return.
And while we’re on the subject of getting girls, let’s get a bit more into what I call Love Theory.
Read my post Don’t Be A Joe, to know what to do & what not to do to attract women
The problem with our buddy Joe is that aside from coming off too strong, he also has the inclination of being too fiery rather than chill.
Fiery people are more likely to be needier, yet passionate about a relationship. This may be due to high expectations or being heavily emotionally engaged in deriving their personal value from the relationship.
Chill people are more likely to be cold, aloof, seemingly confident, and more realistic within a relationship. This may be due to a more down-to-earth perspective or they may not believe that they can actually be loved.
These definitions are very broad, but it’s not meant to categorize people as one or the other. Instead Fiery and Chill people lie on a spectrum. The middle being the healthiest position.
Another important factor is that people can be distinguished as Fiery or Chill, but only relative to each other (their partner).
This means that if you’re in a relationship with Person A, relative to him/her you may be fiery. But if you’re with Person B, relative to him/her you may actually be chill.
Lying too far on either side is a cause of high anxiety. People who lie on the extremes of fiery or chill tend to be very obvious to point out. An extremely fiery woman is typically someone that everyone can tell has neediness issues.
In my experience, relationships do best when men are on the chill side and women are on the fiery side – no extremes. There is always one person who is more chill and the other person being more fiery.
Joe, being too fiery, scared off a girl when he revealed his neediness via cyber-stalking.
The closer both people are to the middle (healthy) the better. But that’s no indication if the relationship is going to work out or not – do what works best for you.