How To Deal With Trust, Snakes, and Shame

trust

‘Don’t you trust me?’ 

‘Don’t you trust me?’

I’ve heard this phrase multiple times. I’ve heard it from untrustworthy family members and friends to cheating ex-girlfriends. In my personal experience, whenever anyone says that phrase it means they are doing something they aren’t supposed to do.

One odd thing I noticed was that I’ve never felt compelled to ask anyone that question before. My current girlfriend tells me it’s because they feel no reason not to trust me.

That’s a funny answer, because I knew she was lying. I had been getting the feeling that she thought I was seeing other girls behind her back. She just never wanted to bring it up with me, aside from her ‘joking’ that I was seeing other women.

I’ve caught plenty of people in lies before. I’ve even caught my girlfriend in a lie long ago. The beauty of catching her in a lie, denying evidence that’s in her hands, is that now I undeniably know her capabilities of lying gracefully.

See, I’ve accepted that just about most of the women I get with are going to lie to me. The thing about catching my girlfriend lying to me is me knowing on a deeper layer of who she is as a person. Is she a good or great person? I know the answer to that. And knowing the truth is always comforting.

But plenty of people are fantastic at lying. Never letting up their true side to you until it’s too late. Either that or just about every relationship I’ve had has been with just the trashiest of people.

But that phrase still bugs sometimes.

She’s said it to me once, “Don’t you trust me?”.

I responded, “I trust you a healthy amount. You know I don’t have to trust you if I don’t want to”.

That answer is a bit savage but that’s because I’ve learned a few things from this phrase:

When people tell you this, it’s to shame you into trusting them

Now I grew up in a home where a lot of my interactions were to shame me or guilt me into doing things. I have been sick of this for a long time now.

If people are trying to shame you, they want you to believe that what you’re doing is wrong. If you already have a moral compass of what’s right or wrong, then you’re intellectually aware of your actions. Whether or not you care is all you.

Shame is for people who are too stupid to know right from wrong. Some people need to be shamed.

But if someone is just shaming you or guilting you to get you to do something that they want – something that has no value other than serving themselves- then you need to drop that person. That person is human garbage.

Shame isn’t something they use to make you do the “right” thing. It’s what they use to make you do what they want.

People who say “don’t you trust me” are only saying that to make you feel bad for accusing them of not being trustworthy.

Who shames people into trusting them?

Who does that? Not a healthy person. Not someone you want to be around.

The worst part is that not only is that person untrustworthy, but they will fight for the illusion that they always tell you the truth.

And if you trust them, whenever they say something is wrong with you – you will believe it. You will trust what they say.

I grew up trusting adults whenever they told me I was having an attitude. But I never had one. They made me think something was wrong with me.

I remember my old man was kicking me out of the house for no reason. I knocked on the door and tried reasoning with him.

He opened the door, shouting at me with his spit getting on my face, and he told me “You’re mad!? Huh!? You’re mad!? Punch me right here!”, he pointed at his face. Practically shoving his face toward me. I calmly replied “I’m not even mad”.

I didn’t punch him like he wanted – I know now he was trying to get me arrested.

The guy was an abuser. All abusers try to put you in jail if they can. Anything to take zero responsibility for their actions.

I don’t care if you’re a ‘good’ person or a ‘bad’ person. But if you’re an abuser, then you truly are human garbage. You are literally destroying someone’s life and health. Abusers should be put down.

Anyway, imagine how I responded when he asked me for money.

‘No’

‘Don’t you trust me?’

‘No’

‘Why don’t you trust me?’

All the people who have told this phrase to me had done me wrong before

What’s crazy is that these people think I would forget that they’ve broken my trust before. They act as if it’s never happened. What the hell?

It doesn’t make any damn sense. Even after you forgive, why would anyone forget? These people like to pretend that nothing has ever happened that caused you to ever have to forgive them or forget what they had done. Crazy.

I’m lucky I know better now, because that phrase ‘don’t you trust me’ used to shut me up.

Before I would say ‘Of course I trust you’.

I shouldn’t have. But since I did, I had to learn this lesson the hard way:

Whether or not you trust a person doesn’t determine whether or not they are going to do it anyway.

Trust simply doesn’t matter.

It’s useful to avoid arguments and such.

But whether or not you trust a person isn’t going to magically make them NOT do something they already planned to do.

Hell, it isn’t about trust. For them, it comes down to opportunity.

Here’s a phrase that means I’m absolutely correct

Whenever anyone tells me: ‘You’re looking too far into it’, it means I’ve got it all figured out.

Even when I’ve already got the evidence and I confronted these people, they would still lie and deny. They would tell me ‘don’t you trust me’ and ‘you’re looking too far into it’.

But I was always right.

ALWAYS.

Final Checkpoint

People like to think that life is simple. We all just want it to be simple. Everyone is very complex. Everyone’s has complicated motives.

You will never know what the hell is going on in someone else’s head. They’re gonna do what they’re gonna do. There’s no controlling that.

Trust, but verify. Better yet, just put yourself in a place where you can stand entirely on your own.

Don’t take it personally. And don’t get mad. It’s what they are.

There’s no reason to get mad at a snake for having fangs.

 

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